Morning Radio - Can’t Get it Out

If you don’t know me well, I am a music freak. I need music on at all times around my house, car, at my desk working, walking, etc. Music is an outlet. It grounds me. It helps me work through mentally and emotionally challenging times in my life, and it helps me think more clearly. I say this as context to share that one of the first times I ever really thought about doing some sort of creative writing, writing like this blog, was actually quite some time ago. I don’t know if this is just me, but most days I wake up in the morning with a song in my head. The song was often just something I listened to the previous day, but on many occasions it was something that I could not pinpoint how it got in my head or why it was there. I affectionately refer to it as my “Morning Radio.” 

My point is, I still think a lot about what my sub-conscious is trying to tell me by the song that is in my head. Are there feelings I am having and the only way my brain knows how to communicate them to me is through the song? Similarly, I will often be listening to something and a song comes on that I am suddenly compelled in an almost obsessive way to listen to it over and over and over. Again, what about that song or the lyrics seems to be speaking directly to something deep down inside of me? So I am creating a series of posts on The Long Commute to share these musical inspirations. I am calling this series, “Morning Radio,” and I see it as a vehicle to share how this sabbatical and journey is impacting me mentally and emotionally. I am someone who is challenged with and manages my mental health daily. I want to share my journey through this space and maybe it will resonate with some of you. If for no other reason, I think this as a way that I can journal these thoughts and emotions to reflect on my own evolution.

Today’s “Morning Radio” actually happened a few days ago on one of my “commutes,” flying from Bordeaux, France to Marseille, France. The song is by one of my all-time favorite bands (who no longer exist, and for reasons I am not going to get into I am not going to share their name here). The song is called Can’t Get it Out. Let me break down what the lyrics are surfacing for me. Lyrics can hit me literally, and they can hit me conceptually. This song is a bit of both.

“As we glide over whatever

We know to be over forever

I really hope the shame is less

For what we feel in times of stress

But, I guess that that's just depression

No sense in fighting it now

You had me caught in your headlights

You were running me down”

As I have said, I started this sabbatical and The Long Commute experiment coming out of a point in my life that was mentally and emotionally challenging for me. It was extremely stressful, and for the past few years I have struggled with depression and anxiety. My wife often told me that I wasn’t myself and I am sure most of you who I have met in recent years probably haven’t met the real me, which I am ashamed of. Like a deer in headlights, I had kind of just frozen in time, without much ability or energy to fight the things that were bringing me down. I just let it run me down.

“I thought I was a creator

I'm here just hanging around…

 …I wanna tell you we're alright

Want to erase all your doubt

I've got this thorn dug in deeply

Sometimes, I can't get it out”

I used to consider myself creative. I felt like an innovator in my field and out in front of what was happening in my profession. The mental state I was in had me broken down and “just hanging around”—I was not encouraged to be creative, I was not inspired to be creative and so I was just getting by. To the people closest to me, I put on a happy face and acted like everything was okay so I wouldn’t have to answer too many questions. Inside, however, this anxiety was always there, like a thorn stuck in my side, and for a long time it wouldn’t go away no matter what I did.

“ 'Cause I don't wanna surrender

Or lose your face in the crowd

I finally found all my courage

It was buried under the house

Not just a manic depressive

Toting around my own cloud

I've got a positive message

Sometimes, I can't get it out“

First, let me put out there that I have never been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (the term “manic depressive” used in the lyric is antiquated and pejorative), and I respect the people who live with this disorder for fighting through the challenges they face because of it. I am only using the lyric as a direct quote. In my mind this is where the protagonist (if there is one) of this song has found their strength and is saying to the world, “I am not just this one thing. I have lots of positive things I want to put into the world, and I just sometimes need time to find my own way to get it out there.”

For me, this is the same breaking point that I got to—surrender, or actually fight for my own mental health. I chose the latter. I had lost and continued to risked losing the people that I love most and even the basic joy of truly experiencing life. With the strength of my wife at my side, and the support of a good therapist, I realized that my courage to do something about this was always there, buried. I realized that I have so much more to offer the world than just the anxiety that I felt held me down and hung over me everyday like a dark cloud, for so long.

I will be honest—my own insecurities have kept me from posting some of what I have already written for The Long Commute. My deepest fears are rejection and judgement. My anxiety has so often driven me to avoid putting myself into positions where people might reject/judge me, especially over the past few years when my confidence has been at its lowest. This space has helped me once again tap into my creativity. To start to find my confidence and a way to communicate a unique perspective. I feel so passionate about what I am creating here, and although sharing it is scary, I have a positive message that I want to get out.